This was nothing like I had expected. I am not sure what I expected to be honest, but I had been going increasingly anxious about what was coming into my future.
Let’s be honest with ourselves, nobody actually wants to die. But to be told that you only had a matter of days left to walk the earth was absolutely terrifying. The stories of the light, and the loving arms of those who have gone before you, is really of no comfort. I mean, all you can think about is that you are going to be asleep, but you are never going to wake up. It is not exactly great thought to be having when the end is about to hit you in the face.
I actually managed to feel jealous of the people that died without knowing that it was coming. I mean, those people hit by cars or attacked on the street. They had it easy in comparison, because they did not find themselves endlessly considering what was going to happen to them.
It was not just me. I realised this pretty early on when people began to talk to me about counselling. Apparently, many people that are told that they are going to die, go through the same emotions as I am. You will hear about the stages of grief, well, it seems that there are stages to death that run along pretty similar lines.
Denial… Okay, maybe not so much this one because you pretty much know that your body is about to give up on you.
Anger… You definitely go through this one, and nobody can make you happy. You argue at every little thing, and pick up on every single detail. Nobody is right, and nothing is going to be ready when it is your time. This makes you incredibly angry, as does realising all the things that you have failed to do.
Bargaining… Not really, because there is nothing really that you can bargain with. God? Maybe. Mind you, I have never been a believer in any kind of religion, and, unlike so many on their deathbed, I refuse to start now.
Depression… Absolutely, and I don’t actually think the you get over this one. Well, that was simply something that I believed when I was in that state. That was until somebody gave me a tablet with a smiley face emblazoned on it. It did seem a very strange thing to give me, but then I completely trust my grandson. He told me that he got it from the doctor and that it would help me to relax.
Acceptance… This comes when the room is full of colours, and you feel nothing but arousal. Not sexual arousal, of course, but very alert and ready for absolutely anything.
And this is where I am right now, in that swell of colours and full of acceptance. I am completely relaxed, and ready.